Tuesday, April 5, 2011

An Art to Manliness

She says: In Atticus' cross examination of Mayella Ewell he addresses her as "Miss Mayella" and "Ma'am". This incites nothing but ire from the witness as she is sure she is being mocked by Mr. Finch.

Atty, You and I have spoken before about how more and more we seem to observe a lack of manners on the part of people, young and old, male and female.

In his book The Art of Manliness Brett McKay does his best to salvage what is left of the dying art of decorum, attire, and overall gentlemanly attributes by providing clear and succinct instructions and illustrations. The question I pose to you is, do men care anymore? Our society has changed dramatically since 1935 (the year this book is set in), is it ridiculous to suppose that men care anymore about the proper way to address a woman, the proper way to wear a hat, the proper way to iron a shirt?

(Note: Mr. McKay also has a website The Art of Manliness)

McKay instructs in the book that it is appropriate etiquette to remove one's hat if a lady enters the same elevator as you, or if you enter an elevator in which a lady is already present. I would notice such a thing if a gentleman did it, but would other women? Do men no longer pay attention to such things because we as women fail to recognize it when they do and return courtesies?

He says: Thanks for tossing me a softball, Scout! It's easy for me to get up on my soapbox about the topic of manners.

Let's separate the question into two parts: manners in general and then, more specifically, gender etiquette.

In general terms, manners are the visible part of the Golden Rule! For example, take a guy who tries to cut in line at the baseball stadium box office. You don't like it; I don't like it; the guy who does it would hate it if someone else did it to him! It's thoughtless, rude and inconsiderate; it's bad manners! It's the opposite of living the Golden Rule. But lots of people do that and worse things all day every day. Why? Well, that might be a whole 'nother discussion because this one's already getting long and I haven't even started on the gender part of the question yet.

But before I do, here's a book that I think goes a long way towards explaining the phenomenon of bad manners in our society. Although focused primarily on economics, it also touches on the subject that we're talking about.

Now, turning to ladies and gentlemen. I was born and bred in the South at a time when, at least in my family, a boy was still taught to behave like a gentleman. So I know all about removing my hat in the presence of a lady, standing if a lady enters the room, and standing behind my chair until all of the ladies are seated at the dinner table. I wince when I'm with a group of people at work if a man gets in the elevator before all the women do. My boss, who's from "somewhere up north", looks askance at me when I "yes, ma'am" her. Maybe it's a kind of Mayella thing with her. :)

But I also lived through the years when it became unfashionable to even use the word "lady". Women wanted to be treated as equals in all things and in all ways, which I understand and try to teach my own daughter (another topic to add to the list for another post!). Unfortunately, as a by-product, gentlemanly manners became unfashionable too. They were interpreted as condescending or even insulting.

So, Scout, sometimes it's hard for a gentleman to know what to do in the presence of a lady!

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